There was an old lady..

So, it is my observation that most neighborhoods have that one old lady. The one who is always looking out the window and who knows how many times each car passes her house and has an uncanny way of interrupting any "afternoon delights". I have known my share of crazy ladies in my day but I like to think the one that currently lives across the street is special. Maybe it is because this particular one annoys my husband so badly. Or maybe it is because my thirteen-year old daughter refuses to interact with her at all. But I find a special enjoyment out of her peculiar behavior.

While lying in bed one night my husband and I were talking about the day and my husband, who is ordinarily mellow, became supremely animated. He began talking about our neighbor having a mysterious disappearance and then recounted some of the strange requests he had received from her.

Upon our arrival in the neighborhood our lovely old lady scurried over to introduce herself. (or so I thought) I thought that we were going to enjoy the interlude but were unnerved when she asked if the man who lived in our newly rented abode had perished inside the home. I assured her I did not know and hoped he had not. She then peppered me with questions about the recent occupant and was unsatisfied with my lack of knowledge. Then, just before heading back across the street, she informed us that it was our duty as "neighbors" to take care of the older gentleman down the way, and that we also had to look out for each other. If only we had known exactly what that meant .

Later our neighbor commented about how much she enjoyed our Christmas decorations. I assumed (stupidly) that she meant our outside decorations. She brought over some goodies. I assumed (stupidly) that they were fresh. She then went on to explain that she had received them as a gift a couple of weeks prior and did not want them anymore because she had eaten her fill. I thanked her as graciously as I could muster. As the holliday arrived she showed up again to give our family a gift. She brought in a basket filled with used toys and last years whitening milk chocolate. As we exchanged our gift with her, she stated that she had "really enjoyed watching our little family around our Christmas tree." Stunned I just thanked her and ushered her to the door. Aaah there is nothing like knowing you are not alone.

As the years have gone by, we have had strange exchange after strange exchange with this woman. She periodically brings us a half eaten cake or bag of candy that is clearly years old. She got angry with my daughter for asking to use her phone when ours had a problem. She often lurks about the "hood" talking to herself and picking up random objects and moving them around. She has a daughter whom she says lives with her but whom we never see and are not positive exists. One warm southern Utah day in early spring she ran outside with old towels to wrap up my children who were playing outside without coats. She showed up on our doorstep with petition and photographic evidence of everyone's lawns that were not "green enough" in hand. (nevermind that it was January) She was going to take the matter up with the HOA.

By far though, my favorite tales of this woman come from my husband who, by the time we had talked about all the things she had done that we found strange, had gotten more worked up and had some stories that I had not previously known.

He stated that it started with the dryer. She told him she had gotten a new dryer and just needed the hose hooked up. When she invited him into her house she made him stay in the kitchen while she looked for the hose, she must have misplaced it. She cautioned him that her "daughter" was sleeping and he needed to be quiet. She took so long he almost left. The hose she produced was too long and she wanted him to cut it with rusty sissors. She acted put out that he would need to have a tool to cut it. As he was installing it the door to the laundry closet was hitting him in the butt. He finally gets the hose on and while pushing the dryer back into position, the dryer made a noise and she shushed him. (strike one)

On another occasion she told him that she has a piece of furnature she needs moved. He goes over to help. The "daugher" is "sleeping". Again he was told to be quiet and not wake her. The old lady led him to a bedroom and does not say anything for a bit. Then she tells him she thinks the arrangement will be ok but asks him to set her digital clock. He emphasized to me that it is not a dificult clock to set and that it is clearly marked, but he does it anyway. Then he looks at her awaiting something and she says nothing and so he leaves. This one is a particular thorn in his side because she lured him there on false pretenses. (strike two)

The last straw is, he thinks his first strike with her. (She gave him the stink eye for a while after this one.) He recounts that she knows when he gets home. He is disgusted while he does her voice saying "why does he make me wait so?" So upon his arrival home, and before he reaches the door, she approaches him and without greeting (he is sure she does not know his name) just starts talking. She tells him she has a new landscaping project in her backyard. He is convinced that because he comes home covered with concrete dust, she sees him as the "construction guru". She asks him if he can get a bunch of rocks and bring them to her. He asks for clarification and she tells him she wants to dig out some dirt and have a rock patio. He informs her there are companies that do that very thing. To which she declares "well, you have a truck". I guess my hubby looks like a guy who can get rocks? She was deflated upon my husbands lack of rock getting ability and stormed off in a huff. My husband views this one as a victory because he got a strike.

Then about three weeks later after many distainfull looks, he comes home to see a pile of rocks in her driveway. She is going back and forth with a wheelbarrow. Nathan is sure she is going to ask for some help, this seems like the kind of thing and elderly lady should ask a young male neighbor, but apparently He only gets one strike. She gets two. Apparently you have to add them together to equal an out.